it's my life

A local bookie is given a parrot in lieu of some cash. The bird's vocabulary includes
phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie takes the
bird to his local pub. “He speaks four languages,” the bookie explains to the barman. The
barman looks at him with and expression of complete disbelief.
“Want bet on it?” the bookie challenges.
“Sure” says the bartender. “Ten bucks says he can’t.” The bookie turns to the parrot and
says, “Parlez-vous francais?” There’s no response. Nor was there any reply to the
question in English, Spanish and German. The barman picks up the bookie's Ten-dollar bill
from the bar and goes about his business.
Outside the bookie glares at the bird. “Your useless! I ought to ring your neck!”
“Don't be a idiot,” the parrot replies. “Just think of the odds you'll get tomorrow.”

A guy says to his wife, “I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.”
His wide replies, “You wear underpants don't you?”

A guy says to his wife, “Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?”
His wide replies, “No, I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault. I ran out of money.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...Great idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.