it's my life

Q: What's a holiday for toothpaste?
A: "Crest" mas!

Q: Which celebrity is afraid of Christmas?
A: Noel Coward

Q: Would a Christmas tree grow in Los Angeles?
A: Nope, but Hollywood!

Q: Did you here about the girl that started dating a postman?
A: Apparently she likes to call him her mail friend.

Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales

Q: Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
A: Because it was a mothball.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the red sea what does it become?
A: Wet

Q: Why did the crab get arrested?
A: Because he was always pinching things!

Q: What musical instrument do farmer like to play?
A: The tubers.

Q: What’s an
e
k
a
c
is an upside down
c
a
k
e

“Hey bar tender why are you scrubbing and polishing the bar surface so hard?”
“Well sir”, replied the bar tender, “most people here like their whiskey severed neat."

Did you hear about the hooker that got caught sleeping on the job?
Apparently she was laid off.

Q: What’s the difference between hard and light?
A: I’ve never had any trouble sleeping with the light on!

Q: Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
A: He stood in front of a fire and melted!

Patent: Hey Doc! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!
Doctor: Sorry but, I don't believe you!

Q: How can you get your name in lights the world over?
A: Change your name to Emergency Exit!

Q: How do you start a polar-bear race?
A: Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

Q: What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
A: They combed the area!

Q: What do you do if your dog has ticks?
A: Don't wind him up!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
A: Billy the squid!

Q: What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A: A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

What drink do frogs like best?
A: Croaker-cola!

Q: What flower can you eat?
A: A cauli-flower!

Q: What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
A: Some day my prints will come!

Q: What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
A: Time to get a new television!

Q: What would you do if a rhino charged you?
A: Pay him!

Q: What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
A: Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

Q: Which animal should you not play cards with?
A: A cheetah!

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws.

Q: Who wrote the book, “The knickers around my ankles?”
A: Lucy Lastick!

Q: Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
A: Because it's two-tyred!

Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was standing on the deck!

Q: Why did the chicken walk onto the football pitch?
A: The referee whistled for a fowl

Q: Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
A: Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Q: Why was the Turkey in the pop group?
A: Because he was the only one with drum-sticks!

Q: Why did the lettuce blush?
A: It saw the salad dressing

Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: For holding up my pants

Q: What kind of nut has no shell?
A: A Doughnut

Q: What has teeth and can’t bite?
A: A comb

Q: What keys can’t open doors?
A: Monkeys, Turkeys and Donkeys

Q: What is the quietest sport?
A: Bowling you can hear a pin drop

Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows?
A: A mushroom

Q: What do you throw away when you use it and collect when you don’t need it?
A: An Anchor

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
The reason?
What good is it to have the inclination if you don't have the time?

Q: Why isn't your ear 12 inches long?
A: If it was, it would be a foot.

Q: Why is a calendar so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: What part of a car causes the most accidents?
A: The nut behind the wheel.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because it over swept!

Q: Why is any compliment from a chicken be an insult?
A: Because it's a fowl remark.

Q: What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a goat?
A: A stuck-up kid that's hard to handle.

Q: Why are spiders like tops?
A: Because they are always spinning.

Q: Did the people laugh when the lady fell on the ice?
A: No but the ice cracked up.

Q: Why are mummies good secret agents?
A: Because they are good at keeping things under wraps!

Q: What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A: A pink carnation

Q: What did Frankenstein say after his brain transplant?
A: I think I changed my mind.

Q: Why did humpty dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for a lousy summer

Q: Why did the farmer plant old car parts in his garden?
A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop.

Q: What bird never goes to a barber?
A: A bald eagle

Q: What does a dancer usually drink?
A: Tap water

Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: Bacon would go up.

Q: Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day?
A: Because she never marries the best man.

Q: What the fortune teller say to the saleslady when she went cloths shopping
A: I think I’m a medium.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.
Well, sir, it was ground only five minutes ago.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink.
A: Baking soda.

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race?
A: Ketchup

Q: What kind of banks do alligators use?
A: Riverbanks

Q: Why are movie stars cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.

Q: Where do they store Chinese boats?
A: In a junkyard.

Q: What is the smartest animal?
A: A skunk, because it makes a lot of scents (sense).

Q: What's the difference between a film and a witch's cauldron?
A: One is a motion picture. The other is a potion mixture.

Q: Why did the minister visit different car lots every day?
A: He was looking for convertibles!