it's my life

People say the abominable snowman is very scary, yeti looked quite normal to me!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Patron to waiter: "Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: "No, but I am pigeon toed."

Office Secretary: "I bought this mini-recorder."
Manager: "What do you use it for?"
Office Secretary: "Well, it's only good for small talk."

There's a new trend of carrying water in a pail.
But like any trend, some people prefer to bucket.

We have period furniture!
You know the kind you have for a period of time and then they take it back?

My cross-eyed teacher has a problem.
Apparently she can't control her pupils.

A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet.

A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some business.

"I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"
"You're joking?"
"Nope, I wooden kid you!"

Your veterinarian knows how to make your dog heal.

Two nuclear physicists got married recently. The ceremony was beautiful
- she was absolutely radiant, and he was glowing too. Even the bridesmaids shone.

When an apprentice electrician made mistakes, his mother grounded him.
But he finally got promoted and felt a surge after the switch. He was really a highenergy person.

In order to become an electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of
bread?
A: She was waiting for some traffic jam.

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

Q: What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police
stag party?
A: One is popcorn, the other is cop porn.

A Man who goes to bed with diarrhoea may wake up in deep shit.

Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.