it's my life

A guy walks into a lift and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few moments he
turns to her and says, “God dam your pussy smells!”
The woman is disgusted and says, “It does not!”
“Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then!”

Two tigers are walking in the jungle in single file along a trail.
The rear tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes then reappears. A few moments
later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just
below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start a fight so
lets it go. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue in the same area. Outraged he decides
to confront the other tiger and asks, “Did you just lick arse?”
The other tiger replies, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to
get rid of the taste!”

A surgeon goes to see a young female patient the day after performing an operation on
her. She seems slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed so the doctor she asks, “What's
wrong?”
“Well this is a bit of an embarrassing question, but how long will it be before I can
resume my normal sex life?”
“Hum!” gasps the doctor, as he looks thoughtful.
“I hadn't really thought about that. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a
tonsillectomy!”

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire do they go out onto the balcony.
“Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.
“Help us, help us!” yells the other.
“Maybe it would be better if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.
“Good idea,” said the other.
“Together, together!”

A guy sees a sign in front of a house, “Talking Dog for Sale.” So he rings the bell and the
owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard. The guy walks into the backyard and
sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“Can you talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what's your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to
help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country. I’d sit in a room with various people, spies, world
leaders etc. and because no one figured that I could talk. I was one of their most
valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I got married had a mass of
puppies, and now I'm retired.”
The guy is amazed so he asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten bucks.”
The guy says, “That dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
The owner replies, “He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!”

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 bill on the collection plate. This went on for
weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity approached her. “Sister, I couldn't help
but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he says.
“Why yes,” she replies, “every week my son sends me money. What I don't need I give to
the church.”
“That's wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $20,000 a week.”
“Wow, your son must be very successful businessman. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a Vet,” she answers.
“That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?”
“O, well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

“What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the woodwork teacher
asked Judi, the only girl in the class. Judi thought for a minute and then replied,
“Hum. I don’t know. I’ve ain't never been bolted.”

As the X-Ray technician walked down the aisle with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse
whispered to a doctor. I never could figure out what she saw in him!”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.”
“Well hope up on the couch and I'll examine you.”
“I’m sorry I can't Doc. I'm not allowed on the furniture.”

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a pub talking about their sons. The
Englishman says “My son was born on St George's Day so we decided to call him George.”
“That's a coincidence,” says the Scotsman. “My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we
called him Andrew.”
“That's an amazing coincidence,” says the Irishman. “Exactly the same thing happened
with my son Pancake.”

In a small Texas town a guy opens a store selling trumpets and guns. One day a tourist
pays him a visit and says, “ Hey pal this is a strange business!”
“What do you mean strange?” says the storekeeper.
“Only selling trumpets and guns.” Replies the tourist.
“O, I find it works quite well.”
“What do you sell the most of trumpets or guns?” asks the tourist.
“Its about even.” Says the storekeeper. “Each time a customer buys a trumpet I usually
one of his neighbours buys a gun!”

Two guys go into a diner and sit down at the counter. They order a couple of sodas and
then take sandwiches out of their packed lunches and started to eat them.
The owner sees what they are doing and says, “Guys, you can't eat your own sandwiches
in here!”
The two men stop, look at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

A young artist works in his studio at home. He specialises in nudes, and has been working
on a masterpiece for several months.
His model shows up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she begins
to undress for the day's work. He says, “Don’t bother undressing. I don’t feel like
painting. I think I’m getting the flu. I’ll pay you for the day. But you can go home. All I
want to do is have some hot soup and then go to bed.”
The model says, “Hey, I’ll fix the soup for you. It's the least I can do.”
They’re sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying a cup of soup, when
the artist hears the front door open and close.
”Oh my god!” he whispers, “It's the wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!”

For a long time, Mary had a sexual fantasy of having hot sex with a black man. One night
Mary finds herself in a bar. After a while she meets a handsome black man, who appears
to be charming and a great guy. So she figures what the heck, I’ll go for it. So Mary asks
the guy to come home with her.
When they get to Mary's apartment they had a few more glasses of wine. Mary looks
deeply into the guy’s eyes and tells him about her fantasy and asks him to be a part of it!
Well, the guy agrees and so the two head for Mary's bedroom. Mary is hot by now and
says, “OK, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!”
So the guy takes four of her silk scarves and securely ties her arms and legs to the
bedposts so that she's left spread-eagle.
By this time, Mary is worked into frenzy. She looks up at the black guy with lust in her
eyes and says, “OK, big boy, do what you do best to me!”
And would you believe it he’s does. He

A local bookie is given a parrot in lieu of some cash. The bird's vocabulary includes
phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie takes the
bird to his local pub. “He speaks four languages,” the bookie explains to the barman. The
barman looks at him with and expression of complete disbelief.
“Want bet on it?” the bookie challenges.
“Sure” says the bartender. “Ten bucks says he can’t.” The bookie turns to the parrot and
says, “Parlez-vous francais?” There’s no response. Nor was there any reply to the
question in English, Spanish and German. The barman picks up the bookie's Ten-dollar bill
from the bar and goes about his business.
Outside the bookie glares at the bird. “Your useless! I ought to ring your neck!”
“Don't be a idiot,” the parrot replies. “Just think of the odds you'll get tomorrow.”

A guy says to his wife, “I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.”
His wide replies, “You wear underpants don't you?”

A guy says to his wife, “Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?”
His wide replies, “No, I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault. I ran out of money.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...Great idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

A young bridal couple go to their Hotel for their wedding night. The next day, the
bride's closest friend comes over and asks her how last night went.
She replies, “I'm just so tired! All night long it was up and down, in and out, in and out.
Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!”
Who is cheating who?
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary
decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's
behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually
inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and
decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once
again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that
they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

A little bird is flying south for the winter. It’s so cold that the bird freezes and falls to
the ground in a large field.
While lying there on the edge of death, a cow walks by and craps on it. Well the dung is
so hot that the frozen bird begins to thaw. In fact the bird is so warm and happy it soon
begins to sing for joy!
A passing cat hears the bird song and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovers the bird under the cowpat. It promptly digs it out and eats it!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo its best to keep your mouth shut!

A guy walks into a theatrical agent's office, and he's carrying a little black bag.
The agent says, “Ok, let's see your act.”
So the guy reaches into his bag and takes out a hammer and a few walnuts. He puts the
walnuts on his head and then smashes them with the hammer.
“Well, what do you think?” he asks the agent.
Stunned the agent asks, “That's your act?”
“Yep.” Says the guy.
“So what else have you got in the black bag?”
"An Aspirin.”

A husband and his wife decide to rent a room to a young student. When she arrives the
wife explains, “We haven't got a bathroom. So when you want a bath you’ll have to use a
tin bath that is next to the fireplace. I suggest you take your bath on Monday evenings,
as my husband goes out with his friends that night.”
Next Monday the girl undressing near the fireplace and the wife notes that she hasn't
any pubic hair. The following morning the wife tells her husband.
“That student girl’s go no pubic hair!”
“I don’t believe it!” he says.
“It’s true,” says the wife, “Next week I’ll keep leave a gap between the curtains so you
can see!”
Next Monday the girl takes her bath and the wife asks, “Do you shaves your pubic hair?”
“Oh, no. I have never had any.” Says the girl. “Do you have hairs there?”
“Sure” says the wife as she lifts her skirt to show her.
The next morning the wife asks her husband, “Did you see?”
“Sure I did. But why did you show her yours?”
“Oh... what’s the problem with that? You’ve seen it hundreds of times!”
“Yea that’s true” says the husband, “ but all my god dam friends HAVEN’T!”

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage
makes you a car mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you
need it.
20. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make
it again.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

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An old man is relaxing at his one-hundredth-birthday party, when a reporter asks him.
“Excuse me Sir, what’s the secret of your long life?”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “At 9 PM every night I have a glass of
port. Its good for our Heart!”
The reporter replies, “That's ALL?”
The man smiles, “Yea well that, and cancelling my voyage on Titanic!”

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should come closer. When he does, she
begins to gently caress his bushy beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks softly as she continues to stroke his beard with both
hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond
his beard and into his hair.
“I'm afraid I can't”, gasps the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Sure there is. Give him a message for me” she continues huskily, popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

A beautiful woman walks into an orchard and found a lovely pool on a hot summers day.
She decides to cool off by go skinny-dipping. She looked around, doesn't see anyone, and
undresses. Just as she is about to dive in, the orchard owner appears from behind a
bush where he was hiding. He tells her, “Swimming is prohibited.”
“You could have told me that before I undressed!” she scolds him.
He replies, “Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't.”

The good friars were having a difficult time meeting the payments for the new belfry
they'd put in the monastery, so they decided to open a flower shop to get a little extra
cash.
They did so, and were very successful. Apparently, everyone in the village wanted to
purchase their posies from these godly men.
However, the other florist in town was severely affected financially by their success, so
he went to the good friars and asked them to please consider shutting down. They, of
course, did not, and so after a few more weeks of diminishing profits, he went again to
beg them to consider closing.
The friars, however, refused. In desperation, the other village florist contacted Hugh
McTaggart, the meanest, ugliest bully in the village, and sent him on a mission.
So Mr. McTaggart went to the flower shop and demolished it, tossing the friars about
like rag dolls, and warning them sternly that they'd better close, or he'd be back to do
worse.
Naturally, the friars closed up shop that day, and never reopened, thus proving once
again that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his father. He watches as his father move
from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replies, “When I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy.”
Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we'd better hurry home right away.”
“Why?” says his father.
“Because I think the mail man was trying to buy Mum yesterday.”

One morning in a hotel breakfast room, a guest calls over the headwaiter.
“Good morning, sir!” says the waiter.
“I'd like to order two boiled eggs. One of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the
other so overcooked that it's like rubber. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast,
and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak
coffee, served at room temperature.”
The bewildered waiter says, “Sir! We can’t serve an awful breakfast like that to you!”
“Why not?” asks the guest. “That's what I got here yesterday!”

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and
orders a pint and a half of lager.
The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, and dips his head in a bloke’s beer and
goes, “Brrr!”
The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke
grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says,
“Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut your balls off!”
The gremlin says, “I ain't got none!”
“Well, I'll cut off your prick!”
“I haven’t got one of them, neither,” says the gremlin.
“Well, how do you pee?”
The gremlin smiles and says, “Brrr!”

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to
get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for some hot
sex. "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps,
"We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he
exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down
on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after
many such glances from her he said, “It's golf balls.”
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, “Does it hurt as
much as tennis elbow?”

A parish priest has a pastime of rearing rare chickens. One day he walks into the garden
to find his prize rooster missing.
"Those thieving parishioners, I'll give them fire and brimstone on Sunday." Thinks the
priest.
Sure enough, on Sunday, the congregation get a vehement sermon on the evils of theft
etc. Certain that his sermon has done the trick and that a member of the congregation
will now own up, the priest asks,
"Has anyone here got a cock?"
All the men stand up.
"No, no. I mean, has anyone here seen a cock?"
All the women stand up.
"No, not that. Has anyone here seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stand up.
"Oh you idiots. I want to know about MY cock. Has anyone seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stand up.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of capitals cities of the world.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know them all!"
Her friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of England?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! E."

Three Blonds are in a bar. They keep cheering and yelling "we did it!" and "we are the
best!" After this had been going on for a while a guy comes over and asks, "what did you
do that was so great?" and they shout "We just finished a 50 piece puzzle in two months
and the box said 3 to 5 years!"

A blonde gets in her car and looks in horror and grabs her cell phone and dials 911. The
911 operator answers and says "911 what’s your emergency". She replies "Help me
someone has stolen all of the stuff out of my car". The operator asked her to explain
and she says that her dash is gone and her radio is gone and even her foot pedals are
gone. The operator tells her that they are on the way and hangs up.
About 1 minute later the blonde calls back and says, "It's me again, never mind I was in
the back seat!"

A blonde woman strides angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the
counter, and loudly expresses her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asks, “Hi. What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?”
The woman’s eyes get very large, and she whispers, “Do you mean to tell me that Pussy
Treats are meant for cats?”

A couple are dressed and ready to go for the evening out. They turn on a night-light,
turn on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and throw the cat into the
back yard.
They phoned the local cab company and request a taxi. The taxi arrives and just as the
couple open the front door to leave their house, the cat shoots in past them, They don't
want the cat shut in the house as he always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to
the taxi while the husband goes back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs; the
man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. So
she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to her mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it
worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the backyard!!"

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her
about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a
woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand
new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.” Over the course of the years,
the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained
young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many
times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren't bags under your eyes, they’re
your breasts!”
She said, “O well, I guess that explains the goatee beard then!”

When she gets to the airline counter, she presents her ticket to New York. While she
gives the agent her luggage, she says, “I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii,
and my red suitcase to London.”
The confused agent says, “I'm sorry, we can't do that.”
“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did to
my luggage last year!”

Red Tides
Red tides are also known as algal blooms - sudden influxes of massive amounts of colored single-cell algae that can convert entire areas of an ocean or beach into a blood red color. While some of these can be relatively harmless, others can be harbingers of deadly toxins that cause the deaths of fish, birds and marine mammals. In some cases, even humans have been harmed by red tides though no human exposure are known to have been fatal. While they can be fatal, the constituent phytoplankton in ride tides are not harmful in small numbers.


Mammatus Clouds
True to their ominous appearance, mammatus clouds are often harbingers of a coming storm or other extreme weather system. Typically composed primarily of ice, they can extend for hundreds of miles in each direction and individual formations can remain visibly static for ten to fifteen minutes at a time. While they may appear foreboding they are merely the messengers - appearing around, before or even after severe weather.


Fire Rainbows
A circumhorizontal fire rainbow arc occurs at a rare confluence of right time and right place for the sun and certain clouds. Crystals within the clouds refract light into the various visible waves of the spectrum but only if they are arrayed correctly relative to the ground below. Due to the rarity with which all of these events happen in conjunction with one another, there are relatively few remarkable photos of this phenomena.


Blue Holes
Blue holes are giant and sudden drops in underwater elevation that get their name from the dark and foreboding blue tone they exhibit when viewed from above in relationship to surrounding waters. They can be hundreds of feet deep and while divers are able to explore some of them they are largely devoid of oxygen that would support sea life due to poor water circulation - leaving them eerily empty. Some blue holes, however, contain ancient fossil remains that have been discovered, preserved in their depths.


Sailing Stones
The mysterious moving stones of the packed-mud desert of Death Valley have been a center of scientific controversy for decades. Rocks weighing up to hundreds of pounds have been known to move up to hundreds of yards at a time. Some scientists have proposed that a combination of strong winds and surface ice account for these movements. However, this theory does not explain evidence of different rocks starting side by side and moving at different rates and in disparate directions. Moreover, the physics calculations do not fully support this theory as wind speeds of hundreds of miles per hour would be needed to move some of the stones.


Columnar Basalt
When a thick lava flow cools it contracts vertically but cracks perpendicular to its directional flow with remarkable geometric regularity-in most cases forming a regular grid of remarkable hexagonal extrusions that almost appear to be made by man. One of the most famous such examples is the Giant's Causeway on the coast of Ireland (shown above) though the largest and most widely recognized would be Devil's Tower in Wyoming . Basalt also forms different but equally fascinating ways when eruptions are exposed to air or water.


Ice Circles
While many see these apparently perfect ice circles as worthy of conspiracy theorizing, scientists generally accept that they are formed by eddies in the water that spin a sizable piece of ice in a circular motion. As a result of this rotation, other pieces of ice and flotsam wear relatively evenly at the edges of the ice until it slowly forms into an essentially ideal circle. Ice circles have been seen with diameters of over 500 feet and can also at times be found in clusters and groups at different sizes as shown above.

This company hires a new guy and he's supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up he calls his boss and says, "I'm sick."

His boss tells him not to worry and lets him have the day off.

The guy then shows up at work on Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday he once again calls his boss and says, "I'm sick."

The boss reluctantly excuses him again, but takes note that this is the second Monday in a row that he hasn't been in.

Once again the man shows up on Tuesday morning and works furiously throughout the week.

The following Monday he calls his boss again and says, "I'm sick."

His boss excuses him, but decides to castigate the man on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the guy shows up, his boss calls him into his office.

"What's happening?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

The bloke replies, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up having sex all day long."

"Your sister!" says the boss, "That's disgusting!"

The man replies, "I told you I was sick."

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a consultant, a computer programmer, or possibly someone in senior management."

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.

Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.

A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.

He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach
the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"

She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then
replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."

The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"

Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"

The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last sentence.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).

Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic ball are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Her side of the story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!

So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.

But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.

I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???


His side of the story:

Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

The tiger temple in Thailand is a place where an extraordinary bond between man and the world's biggest cats has been formed. The tigers here are so peaceful…its almost as if they have accepted buddhism as their religion. In fact, they even sit for the meditating sessions with the monks and kneel down in front of them as it they are the gurus. The tigers are so docile that the monks have to sometimes train them to fight otherwise they would lose all their power of self protection.

The link started in 1999 when a sick baby tiger, orphaned after poachers shot its mother, was brought to the monks. Within a few years several other tiger cubs similarly orphaned by poachers had arrived. The most amazing thing is none of the cubs turned out ferocious on growing up. The monks believe that these tigers are none other than the former buddhist disciples who have taken rebirth in the same place.

A guy is really desperate to take a dump, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the
bartender where the toilets are. The bartender says, “Go upstairs and it’s the second
door on the right.”
So the guy goes upstairs but can’t find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole
in the floor and he decides to crap in it.
After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that
there’s no one in the bar.
“Hey, Where did everybody go?” He asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, “So, where were you when the shit hit the fan?”

A farmer is driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, see him and shouts, “What've you got in your
truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replies.
“What are you going to do with it?” asks the little boy.
“Put it on my strawberries,” answers the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” the boy advises him. “We fresh cream on ours.”

Two Police officers George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They’ve only been out a short while when Mary says, “Damn, I was running late this
morning after my workout and shower, I forgot to put on my knickers on! We have to go
back to the station so I can to get them.”
“No problem”, George replies, “We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit dog a
quick sniff, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her
skirt for the dog. The dogs nose shoots between her legs, sniffs and snorts. After 10
seconds of sniffing, the dog’s ears pick up and he sniffs the wind. Then off in a flash he
runs towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and
louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido runs rounds the corner with the
Desk Sergeant's dick in his mouth.

A guy is having sex with an older girl that he’s picked up at the local disco. They’re on
the lounge floor both enjoying themselves when he says, “Spread your legs at little
wider.”
So she does.
“A bit wider. Wider!”
“Hey” She says, what the hell are you trying to do? Get your balls in as well?"
“Nope” replies the guy, “I’m trying to get them out.”

“The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends,” the girl told
her maiden Aunt. “Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a
friend?”
The wise old lady smiled and said, “The same as with your lover only not quite so often!”

A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I really feel ill, can you do some tests?”
“Sure” says the Doc, “I'll call you when the results come back”
The guy thanks the Doc and then goes about his daily routine.
Two days later the phone wakes the guy up. He picks it up and it’s the Doc.
The doctor says, “I've got some good news and some bad news.”
The guy says, "What is the good news?”
“You have 24 hours to live.”
“And what's the bad news?” asks the guy.
“Sorry” says the Doc, “But I forgot to call you yesterday.”

A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the
occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns
usually play a small roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll get a rise out of
him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die.
They just keep on making more dough.

A guy walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, “Every ice cream flavour in the
world.”
“Yea right,” thinks the guy and walks in. “So you say you have every flavour of ice cream
in the world?”
“That’s right,” says the assistant.
“O.K. Then, I’ll have three scoops of pussy flavoured ice cream, please.”
“No problem, sir.” As he puts three scoops in a cone and hands it to the guy.
The guy takes a good long lick then grimaces. “Hey, this doesn't taste like pussy, it
tastes like shit!”
The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit, you need to take shorter licks!"

I guy walks up to a really pretty girl at the bar and says, “Hey, babe can I buy you a
drink?”
She says, "Do you like sex?"
The guy says, “Sure! Of course, I like sex.”
Them she asks, “Do you like to travel?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, I love to travel.”
“Well” she says, “Then fuck off some where else.”

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than a train.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube
She's spent more time under men than all the country’s barstools.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her gynaecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her pantyhose have a trap door.

A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last
month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my
last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing for Mass when a gorgeous, tall
woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly walks up the aisle and sits
down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in sits with her legs lightly spread apart:
she is obviously not wearing any underwear. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks,
"Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes."

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
At the bottom of an application where it said “sign here,” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She Was So Blonde ...
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and " DON'T WALK."
She tried to put her M&M's in alphabetical order.
She sold her car for gas money.
She studied hard before taking a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on “The Soul Train.”
When she missed bus No 44, she took bus No 22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” so she turned
around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She’s worried that if she tries to speak her mind, she'll be speechless.
She’s convinced that she can’t use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for
“Tits Goes In Front”

Little Johnny catches his parents shagging one afternoon and yells,
“Hey, Dad! What are you doing?”
His father replies, “Son, I'm filling your mother's tank.”
”Oh, yeah!” says Johnny, “Well, you better get a model that does better mileage cause
the postman filled her this morning.”

A little girl asks her father, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
”Nope” He replies, “Most begin with ‘If elected I promise...’”

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales rep for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his application and says,
“This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university; your references are
wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales rep has a highly visible position, and I’m afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you.”
“But wait,” says the guy. “If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!”
”Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of
condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the
bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and within a
minute stops winking.
“Well,” says the interviewer, “that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,
and we will NOT have our employees womanising all over the country!”
“Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!” Protests the guy. “Well
then, how do you explain all the condoms?”
“Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife
asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had
left his watch in the motel room.
After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally
finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.
"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"
"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the
donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims.
"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way.
After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man
for the time.
Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says "It is now 4:45."
By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the
time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!"
"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here
where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"
"Of course", the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly
the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening
experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does
as he is instructed.
"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband
does just that.
"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
"I'd love to be ten again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a
local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her
stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a
Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off
to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What
a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

A customer is continually bothering a waiter in a restaurant. First he asks for the air
conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asks for it be turned down
because its too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter is very patient, walking back and forth and never getting angry.
So finally, a second customer asks, “Hey, why don't you just throw out that pest?”
"Oh, I don't mind," says the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch
myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the
stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on
wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be
the door, I'll get it!"

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally
dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight
attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his
left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Sadam Hussein is watching Star Trek when he notices that there are no Iraqis in the
show. So he calls George Bush to protest and find out why.
Bush replies, “O that’s simple its set in the future – after the next gulf war!”

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a
feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older
workmen. After several minutes, Morris had had enough.
“Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?” he says. “I’ll bet a week's wages
that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you can't wheel
back.”
“You're on, old man,” the show off replies. “I’ll take that bet! Let's see what you got.”
Morris reaches out and grabs the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the
young man, he says, “All right. Get in.”

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their
marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make - I'm
not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well he's rich, famous & handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband
gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second
time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some
food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more
time. When they finish he's gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole."

my two handsome friends. abad (owner of harvest logistic)+villas (owner of coldstore and qc).

Q: What's a holiday for toothpaste?
A: "Crest" mas!

Q: Which celebrity is afraid of Christmas?
A: Noel Coward

Q: Would a Christmas tree grow in Los Angeles?
A: Nope, but Hollywood!

Q: Did you here about the girl that started dating a postman?
A: Apparently she likes to call him her mail friend.

Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales

Q: Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
A: Because it was a mothball.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the red sea what does it become?
A: Wet

Q: Why did the crab get arrested?
A: Because he was always pinching things!

Q: What musical instrument do farmer like to play?
A: The tubers.

Q: What’s an
e
k
a
c
is an upside down
c
a
k
e

“Hey bar tender why are you scrubbing and polishing the bar surface so hard?”
“Well sir”, replied the bar tender, “most people here like their whiskey severed neat."

Did you hear about the hooker that got caught sleeping on the job?
Apparently she was laid off.

Q: What’s the difference between hard and light?
A: I’ve never had any trouble sleeping with the light on!

Q: Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
A: He stood in front of a fire and melted!

Patent: Hey Doc! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!
Doctor: Sorry but, I don't believe you!

Q: How can you get your name in lights the world over?
A: Change your name to Emergency Exit!

Q: How do you start a polar-bear race?
A: Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

Q: What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
A: They combed the area!

Q: What do you do if your dog has ticks?
A: Don't wind him up!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
A: Billy the squid!

Q: What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A: A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

What drink do frogs like best?
A: Croaker-cola!

Q: What flower can you eat?
A: A cauli-flower!

Q: What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
A: Some day my prints will come!

Q: What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
A: Time to get a new television!

Q: What would you do if a rhino charged you?
A: Pay him!

Q: What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
A: Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

Q: Which animal should you not play cards with?
A: A cheetah!

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws.

Q: Who wrote the book, “The knickers around my ankles?”
A: Lucy Lastick!

Q: Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
A: Because it's two-tyred!

Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was standing on the deck!

Q: Why did the chicken walk onto the football pitch?
A: The referee whistled for a fowl

Q: Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
A: Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Q: Why was the Turkey in the pop group?
A: Because he was the only one with drum-sticks!

Q: Why did the lettuce blush?
A: It saw the salad dressing

Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: For holding up my pants

Q: What kind of nut has no shell?
A: A Doughnut

Q: What has teeth and can’t bite?
A: A comb

Q: What keys can’t open doors?
A: Monkeys, Turkeys and Donkeys

Q: What is the quietest sport?
A: Bowling you can hear a pin drop

Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows?
A: A mushroom

Q: What do you throw away when you use it and collect when you don’t need it?
A: An Anchor

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
The reason?
What good is it to have the inclination if you don't have the time?

Q: Why isn't your ear 12 inches long?
A: If it was, it would be a foot.

Q: Why is a calendar so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: What part of a car causes the most accidents?
A: The nut behind the wheel.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because it over swept!

Q: Why is any compliment from a chicken be an insult?
A: Because it's a fowl remark.

Q: What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a goat?
A: A stuck-up kid that's hard to handle.

Q: Why are spiders like tops?
A: Because they are always spinning.

Q: Did the people laugh when the lady fell on the ice?
A: No but the ice cracked up.

Q: Why are mummies good secret agents?
A: Because they are good at keeping things under wraps!

Q: What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A: A pink carnation

Q: What did Frankenstein say after his brain transplant?
A: I think I changed my mind.

Q: Why did humpty dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for a lousy summer

Q: Why did the farmer plant old car parts in his garden?
A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop.

Q: What bird never goes to a barber?
A: A bald eagle

Q: What does a dancer usually drink?
A: Tap water

Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: Bacon would go up.

Q: Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day?
A: Because she never marries the best man.

Q: What the fortune teller say to the saleslady when she went cloths shopping
A: I think I’m a medium.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.
Well, sir, it was ground only five minutes ago.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink.
A: Baking soda.

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race?
A: Ketchup

Q: What kind of banks do alligators use?
A: Riverbanks

Q: Why are movie stars cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.

Q: Where do they store Chinese boats?
A: In a junkyard.

Q: What is the smartest animal?
A: A skunk, because it makes a lot of scents (sense).

Q: What's the difference between a film and a witch's cauldron?
A: One is a motion picture. The other is a potion mixture.

Q: Why did the minister visit different car lots every day?
A: He was looking for convertibles!

People say the abominable snowman is very scary, yeti looked quite normal to me!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Patron to waiter: "Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: "No, but I am pigeon toed."

Office Secretary: "I bought this mini-recorder."
Manager: "What do you use it for?"
Office Secretary: "Well, it's only good for small talk."

There's a new trend of carrying water in a pail.
But like any trend, some people prefer to bucket.

We have period furniture!
You know the kind you have for a period of time and then they take it back?

My cross-eyed teacher has a problem.
Apparently she can't control her pupils.

A Man who eats metal paper fastenings has a staple diet.

A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some business.

"I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"
"You're joking?"
"Nope, I wooden kid you!"

Your veterinarian knows how to make your dog heal.

Two nuclear physicists got married recently. The ceremony was beautiful
- she was absolutely radiant, and he was glowing too. Even the bridesmaids shone.

When an apprentice electrician made mistakes, his mother grounded him.
But he finally got promoted and felt a surge after the switch. He was really a highenergy person.

In order to become an electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of
bread?
A: She was waiting for some traffic jam.

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

Q: What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police
stag party?
A: One is popcorn, the other is cop porn.

A Man who goes to bed with diarrhoea may wake up in deep shit.

Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

When the office printer’s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local
repair shop where a friendly man said, “The printer probably only needs to be cleaned.
Our store charges £30 for a call out to do the cleaning. So you might like to try reading
the printer’s manual first and doing the job yourself.”
Pleasantly surprised by the repairman’s candour the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
"O sure.” Says the repairman. “It was his idea! We usually make more money on repairs if
we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

A bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick is yellowish and smells a bit cheesy.
The doctor asks him various questions but can't work out what the problem is. Finally, he
asks the bloke what he does for a living. "Nothing. I'm unemployed" he replies.
"So what do you do during the day?" enquires the doctor. "Not much," says the bloke
"I just sit around watching porn films and eat Quavers."

A Lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the car to feel the fine leather
upholstery, she farts rather loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little
accident, and also she hoped a sales-person wasn't about to pop up. As she turns back,
there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?” he asks.
Very uncomfortably she replies, "What is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to shit
yourself when you hear the price."

Two groups charter a double Decker bus for a weekend trip to
Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde.
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom
level.
The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one
of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go
and check on them.
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them.
"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!"
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys
have a driver!"

A guy is struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he has a
bright idea. When the hostess answers the door, she finds the guy standing there with
no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" she asks.
"A premature ejaculation." says the man "I’ve just come in my pants!"

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute. He finds one,
and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey." She undresses the boy, then herself, and lay
down on the bed. He crawls on top of her. "Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now
pull it out ... now put it back in ... now pull it out ... " "For goodness sake," says the boy,
"will you make up your god dam mind?"

A guy is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy lover boy?"
"Nope," the guy replies, "it's burning my arse!"

Three nuns are on a long train journey. To pass the time decide to tell each other what
their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the
poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third nun says that’s fascinating. "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

A woman is walking down the street when a man carrying out a survey stops her.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" says the woman smiling.
"Could you tell me what you think about sex on TV?"
"Well," replies the woman, "It's very uncomfortable, especially when you've got the
antenna stuck up your arse!”

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.
So the boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild
fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other
employee. Who told you, you could come and go as you please?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone.
So, he undresses and gets into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool
swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction.
He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front of his privates he sighed with relief.
As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. Then one of them says,
"You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," says the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replies, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a
bottom in it."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years they live there,
until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and sure enough out comes a
genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my
husband and my life - I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.
The redhead makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is
gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the
matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

A guy goes on a business trip to Hong Kong and decides to spend the last night having
wild sex with a Geisha Girl. After returning home he notices a very weird green sore
festering on his penis. So he goes to his doctor.
After hearing of his trip to Hong Kong the Doc says, “You have a bad case of Hong Kong
Dong. I’m sorry to have to tell you that the only cure amputation!”
The guy is horrified and so decides to get a second opinion.
The second doc says, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right
away."
Our hero still can’t accept this and so gets a third opinion from an oriental doctor. Dr.
Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but says "These Western Doctors -
so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necessary."
Our hero is so relieved. Dr. Wong continues, "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

Some cattle are standing in a field when a huge gust of wind blows. All the cows fall
over, but the bulls remain standing, bracing themselves against the wind.
After a moment the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows. Again all of the cows are knocked to the
ground, but the bulls just carry on munching the grass.
Next a mini tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next
field. The bulls’ just say, "Moo" and carry on munching!
Finally, one of the cows walks up to a bull and says, "How come the wind always knocks us over and you remain standing?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

Two Blonde guys are in the woods hunting. One looks at the other and says, "I've got to
take a shit."
The other replies, "Well go behind one of those big trees and do it."
"Its not that simple. I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replies, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one says, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"
He leaves and 15 minutes later comes back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looks at him and asks, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replies, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes,
and a nickel?"

done.
G. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most
folks today use it for fun most of the time.
H. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
I. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
J. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrant.
K. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."
4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"
7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at
the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."
20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."

top left, juele+jakir. top right, alfredo+son. bottom left, abad. bottom right abad+me.