it's my life

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The
rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the
general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher
and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was
asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't
resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You really are a country hick,
old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer
was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch
that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about
winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

..


Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right to condemn a
whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

..


A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. “You claim to have stopped by
Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”
“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was
proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please, answer the question. What did Mrs. Edwards
say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”
“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

..


The opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8”, asked a diminutive lawyer, appearing as a
witness in one of the courts, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a
lawyer.
“You? A lawyer?” said the huge attorney. “Why, I could put you in my pocket.”
“Very likely you could,” replied the other. “But if you did, you'd have more law in your
pocket than you ever had in your head.”

..


Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a
three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half.
Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.
But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's
daughter marry him.”
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady's
daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king's court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”