it's my life

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself sitting beside a scruffylooking
drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer
while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then
he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”
Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”
The drunk replied, “I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, and
then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and
feel like rubber and has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where
did you get it?”
The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

..


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.

..


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the
counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what
he is doing. The man says, “I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I'm a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

..


An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to
become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?”
“It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to
become a lawyer?”
“That's my business! Get me the course!”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making
sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would
be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell
me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer . . .”

..


A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with
leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responds, “I ran into a lawyer.”
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the
branches and the dirt?”
“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”