it's my life

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the
slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer. The
witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.
“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

..


A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a
fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain't so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke
in!”

..


No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more
organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he
had the right to make a phone call.
“Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer,” the mobster said calmly.

..


A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big
case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls,
and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the
company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried
in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN
DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.

..

A woman enters the police station. “I've been raped by a lawyer,” she says to the nearest
constable. The constable starts taking her statement and asks, “What is his name?”
“I don't know,” comes the reply.
“Where does he normally work?” asks the constable.
“I don't know,” comes the reply.
“Have you ever seen this man before today?” inquires the constable.
“No, I have not,” comes the reply.
“Madam,” says the baffled constable, “then how on earth do you know that he is a
lawyer?”
The woman, who fails to understand the constable's lack of intellectual powers, snaps
back in a flash, “He drove off in a luxury German sedan with a sunroof, he had a
briefcase with him and I had to do the majority of the work!”

..


A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he
stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.”
The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”

..


A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the
American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred
lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands
were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.