it's my life

A major oil company discovered a large oil deposit on an Indian reservation. Their only
problem was that they could not drill for the oil as long as one member of the tribe
remained on the land. There was only one old Indian still living on the land and his name
was Chief Bowels.
Chief Bowels was proving to be very stubborn about moving off of his tribal lands. The
oil company offered him large sums of cash, stocks, and everything else they could think
of but the only reply he ever gave them was, “Bowels no move!”
Then the lawyers discovered a clause in the treaty that allowed them to move the old
chief off the land and into a rest home if he could no longer take care of himself.
The company sent Chief Bowels to a doctor hoping he could be shown to be an invalid.
The doctor, not knowing the situation, asked the chief what the problem was.
The chief replied, “Bowels no move!”
The doctor gave the chief some laxatives and sent him on his way. The next day the oil
company sent Chief Bowels back to the doctor, hoping for better results. The doctor
again asked the chief what the problem was.
The chief replied, “Bowels still no move!” So the doctor gave him some more laxatives
and sent him on his way. This cycle continued for about two weeks.
Then one day the chief showed up as usual at the doctor’s office. The doctor again asked
what the problem was. The chief replied, “Bowels move. Bowels have to move. Teepee
full of shit!”

..


A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice
him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t
even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the
cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.”
“What?? You did???”
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

..


Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for his lawyers. Whoever wins would get to handle
all of Microsoft’s business. The day of the event, the Gates’ estate is swamped with
lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.
“Gentlemen,” Gates starts, “please follow me.” He leads them to an enormous swimming
pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door.
A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but
bones.
Gates says, “Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my
business and personal dealings.”
Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the
pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting.
“Bravo!” shouts Gates. “You have proven to me how much you want my business.”
“Actually, I want just one thing,” Carl gasps.
“What’s that?”
“The name of the bastard who pushed me in.”