it's my life

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were
a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and
asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”

..


A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's
better to have a wife or a girlfriend.
The accountant says, “A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired,
you just move on.”
The lawyer says, “One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of
yourself at important gatherings with influential people.”
The physicist says, “You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the
wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the
while you're at the lab doing research!”

..


It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the Yuppette accused of incredible
escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet
innocence, and told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer said, “Isn't it true
on the night of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a
certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle that passed through
Columbia at speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?”
The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her remarkable self-control and composure. Her
voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, “What was that date again?”
Click For Hilarious Blooper

A guy walks into a lift and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few moments he
turns to her and says, “God dam your pussy smells!”
The woman is disgusted and says, “It does not!”
“Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then!”

Two tigers are walking in the jungle in single file along a trail.
The rear tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes then reappears. A few moments
later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just
below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start a fight so
lets it go. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue in the same area. Outraged he decides
to confront the other tiger and asks, “Did you just lick arse?”
The other tiger replies, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to
get rid of the taste!”

A surgeon goes to see a young female patient the day after performing an operation on
her. She seems slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed so the doctor she asks, “What's
wrong?”
“Well this is a bit of an embarrassing question, but how long will it be before I can
resume my normal sex life?”
“Hum!” gasps the doctor, as he looks thoughtful.
“I hadn't really thought about that. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a
tonsillectomy!”

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire do they go out onto the balcony.
“Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.
“Help us, help us!” yells the other.
“Maybe it would be better if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.
“Good idea,” said the other.
“Together, together!”

A guy sees a sign in front of a house, “Talking Dog for Sale.” So he rings the bell and the
owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard. The guy walks into the backyard and
sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“Can you talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what's your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to
help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country. I’d sit in a room with various people, spies, world
leaders etc. and because no one figured that I could talk. I was one of their most
valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I got married had a mass of
puppies, and now I'm retired.”
The guy is amazed so he asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten bucks.”
The guy says, “That dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
The owner replies, “He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!”

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 bill on the collection plate. This went on for
weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity approached her. “Sister, I couldn't help
but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he says.
“Why yes,” she replies, “every week my son sends me money. What I don't need I give to
the church.”
“That's wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $20,000 a week.”
“Wow, your son must be very successful businessman. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a Vet,” she answers.
“That is a very honourable profession. Where does he practice?”
“O, well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

“What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the woodwork teacher
asked Judi, the only girl in the class. Judi thought for a minute and then replied,
“Hum. I don’t know. I’ve ain't never been bolted.”

As the X-Ray technician walked down the aisle with a former patient, a co-worker Nurse
whispered to a doctor. I never could figure out what she saw in him!”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.”
“Well hope up on the couch and I'll examine you.”
“I’m sorry I can't Doc. I'm not allowed on the furniture.”

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a pub talking about their sons. The
Englishman says “My son was born on St George's Day so we decided to call him George.”
“That's a coincidence,” says the Scotsman. “My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we
called him Andrew.”
“That's an amazing coincidence,” says the Irishman. “Exactly the same thing happened
with my son Pancake.”

In a small Texas town a guy opens a store selling trumpets and guns. One day a tourist
pays him a visit and says, “ Hey pal this is a strange business!”
“What do you mean strange?” says the storekeeper.
“Only selling trumpets and guns.” Replies the tourist.
“O, I find it works quite well.”
“What do you sell the most of trumpets or guns?” asks the tourist.
“Its about even.” Says the storekeeper. “Each time a customer buys a trumpet I usually
one of his neighbours buys a gun!”

Two guys go into a diner and sit down at the counter. They order a couple of sodas and
then take sandwiches out of their packed lunches and started to eat them.
The owner sees what they are doing and says, “Guys, you can't eat your own sandwiches
in here!”
The two men stop, look at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

A young artist works in his studio at home. He specialises in nudes, and has been working
on a masterpiece for several months.
His model shows up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she begins
to undress for the day's work. He says, “Don’t bother undressing. I don’t feel like
painting. I think I’m getting the flu. I’ll pay you for the day. But you can go home. All I
want to do is have some hot soup and then go to bed.”
The model says, “Hey, I’ll fix the soup for you. It's the least I can do.”
They’re sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying a cup of soup, when
the artist hears the front door open and close.
”Oh my god!” he whispers, “It's the wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!”

For a long time, Mary had a sexual fantasy of having hot sex with a black man. One night
Mary finds herself in a bar. After a while she meets a handsome black man, who appears
to be charming and a great guy. So she figures what the heck, I’ll go for it. So Mary asks
the guy to come home with her.
When they get to Mary's apartment they had a few more glasses of wine. Mary looks
deeply into the guy’s eyes and tells him about her fantasy and asks him to be a part of it!
Well, the guy agrees and so the two head for Mary's bedroom. Mary is hot by now and
says, “OK, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!”
So the guy takes four of her silk scarves and securely ties her arms and legs to the
bedposts so that she's left spread-eagle.
By this time, Mary is worked into frenzy. She looks up at the black guy with lust in her
eyes and says, “OK, big boy, do what you do best to me!”
And would you believe it he’s does. He

A local bookie is given a parrot in lieu of some cash. The bird's vocabulary includes
phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie takes the
bird to his local pub. “He speaks four languages,” the bookie explains to the barman. The
barman looks at him with and expression of complete disbelief.
“Want bet on it?” the bookie challenges.
“Sure” says the bartender. “Ten bucks says he can’t.” The bookie turns to the parrot and
says, “Parlez-vous francais?” There’s no response. Nor was there any reply to the
question in English, Spanish and German. The barman picks up the bookie's Ten-dollar bill
from the bar and goes about his business.
Outside the bookie glares at the bird. “Your useless! I ought to ring your neck!”
“Don't be a idiot,” the parrot replies. “Just think of the odds you'll get tomorrow.”

A guy says to his wife, “I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.”
His wide replies, “You wear underpants don't you?”

A guy says to his wife, “Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?”
His wide replies, “No, I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault. I ran out of money.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...Great idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

A young bridal couple go to their Hotel for their wedding night. The next day, the
bride's closest friend comes over and asks her how last night went.
She replies, “I'm just so tired! All night long it was up and down, in and out, in and out.
Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!”
Who is cheating who?
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary
decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's
behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually
inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and
decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once
again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that
they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

A little bird is flying south for the winter. It’s so cold that the bird freezes and falls to
the ground in a large field.
While lying there on the edge of death, a cow walks by and craps on it. Well the dung is
so hot that the frozen bird begins to thaw. In fact the bird is so warm and happy it soon
begins to sing for joy!
A passing cat hears the bird song and comes to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovers the bird under the cowpat. It promptly digs it out and eats it!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo its best to keep your mouth shut!

A guy walks into a theatrical agent's office, and he's carrying a little black bag.
The agent says, “Ok, let's see your act.”
So the guy reaches into his bag and takes out a hammer and a few walnuts. He puts the
walnuts on his head and then smashes them with the hammer.
“Well, what do you think?” he asks the agent.
Stunned the agent asks, “That's your act?”
“Yep.” Says the guy.
“So what else have you got in the black bag?”
"An Aspirin.”

A husband and his wife decide to rent a room to a young student. When she arrives the
wife explains, “We haven't got a bathroom. So when you want a bath you’ll have to use a
tin bath that is next to the fireplace. I suggest you take your bath on Monday evenings,
as my husband goes out with his friends that night.”
Next Monday the girl undressing near the fireplace and the wife notes that she hasn't
any pubic hair. The following morning the wife tells her husband.
“That student girl’s go no pubic hair!”
“I don’t believe it!” he says.
“It’s true,” says the wife, “Next week I’ll keep leave a gap between the curtains so you
can see!”
Next Monday the girl takes her bath and the wife asks, “Do you shaves your pubic hair?”
“Oh, no. I have never had any.” Says the girl. “Do you have hairs there?”
“Sure” says the wife as she lifts her skirt to show her.
The next morning the wife asks her husband, “Did you see?”
“Sure I did. But why did you show her yours?”
“Oh... what’s the problem with that? You’ve seen it hundreds of times!”
“Yea that’s true” says the husband, “ but all my god dam friends HAVEN’T!”