it's my life

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.
“Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the
father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a
decade.”
“Relax,” says Jack, “and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in
your martini.”

..

A man is passing a butcher's shop and sees a sign:
Special Offer - Brains
Cow brains $1/pound
Sheep brains $2/pound
Pig brains $2/pound
Doctor brains $50/pound
Engineer brains $50/pound
Programmer brains $50/pound
Lawyer brains $1000/pound
He goes into the shop and says to the butcher, “Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing your
sign. I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because cows
are so common.”
“That's right,” says the butcher.
“And,” continues the man, “I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than
the other brains because they are such high quality.”
“Not at all,” says the butcher “do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a
pound of brain?”

..


In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front
of him. The person turns and asks, “What the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” says the guy massaging your back, “you see, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help
massaging your back. I can't help practicing my art.”

“Are you crazy?” the other guy said, “Look, I'm a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front
of me?”