it's my life

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as
to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of
them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. “So what did
you think?” he asks.
“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks
the first guy, “what did you think?”
The second guy replies, “You were right.”

..


After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client.
“Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is
eminently fair to both of you.”
“Fair to both?!” exploded Mrs. LaMay. “I could have done that myself. What the hell do
you think I hired a lawyer for?”

..


My lawyer is bilingual. He speaks English and double talk.

..


The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when
they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the
town square.
The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to
reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, “I suppose you're the
kids' lawyer.”
“Nope,” the chap replied. “I'm just here to deliver them a pizza.”

..


At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, “On the night of July 16, at approximately
11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as ‘Lover's Lane,’ did the defendant have
sexual relations with you?”
“Yes,” whispered the girl, her head bowed.
“And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?”
the lawyer continued.
“Oh no,” she replied, “I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars.”

..


An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my
client commit this crime?”
“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is
probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business
kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began
interviewing young lawyers.
“As I'm sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a
business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.”
She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so
honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.’

..


It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch
some fish and a couple was rowing in a small boat near them. Two crows were cruising
by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and
dove onto those three guys.
Tut. Tut. Tut. But it went Thud. Thud. Hitting only two of the three.
The older crow went towards the couple in the moving rowboat.
Tut. Tut. And it went Thud. Hitting only one of them. Since this was a moving target, it
didn't seem all that bad.
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched.
It dove towards those three guys.
Tut. Tut. Tut. Thud. Thud. Thud.
It swooped over to the rowboat.
Tut. Tut. Thud. Thud.
Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there.
Tut. Thud.
And it then rested on a tree branch.
The two crows felt embarrassed and went over there and said, “We are impressed! Where
do you learn to shit on people like that?”
The little one said, “I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of experience. In my former
life I was a lawyer.”

..


An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an
Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a
sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?”
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in
Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America
to practice law.
“No, no,” one replied. “We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.”

elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete
who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never
drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died
after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”
“I'll take the lawyer's heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he
did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.”

..


Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined
on the witness stand.
The lawyer asked, “When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
“Yes, sir, they were.”
“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
“Yes, sir, she did.”
“And,” looking at Judi, "what was it she said?”
“She said, ‘What disco am I at?’”

..


In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly
four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train
company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving
his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly
demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly
under cross-examination.”
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How's that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”

..


A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said, “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.”
The lawyer stood up and said, “Thank you, your honor. My client only has $75 on him at
this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . .”

..


Lawyers: 99.9 percent of them give the rest of the profession a bad name.

..


A guy phones a law office and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist
replies, “I'm sorry but he died last week.”
The next day, he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I
told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day, the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the
receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died
last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if
he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about,” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!”

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself sitting beside a scruffylooking
drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer
while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then
he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”
Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”
The drunk replied, “I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, and
then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and
feel like rubber and has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where
did you get it?”
The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

..


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.

..


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the
counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what
he is doing. The man says, “I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I'm a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

..


An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to
become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?”
“It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to
become a lawyer?”
“That's my business! Get me the course!”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making
sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would
be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell
me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer . . .”

..


A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with
leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responds, “I ran into a lawyer.”
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the
branches and the dirt?”
“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The
rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the
general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher
and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was
asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't
resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You really are a country hick,
old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer
was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch
that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about
winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

..


Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right to condemn a
whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

..


A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. “You claim to have stopped by
Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”
“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was
proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please, answer the question. What did Mrs. Edwards
say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”
“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

..


The opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8”, asked a diminutive lawyer, appearing as a
witness in one of the courts, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a
lawyer.
“You? A lawyer?” said the huge attorney. “Why, I could put you in my pocket.”
“Very likely you could,” replied the other. “But if you did, you'd have more law in your
pocket than you ever had in your head.”

..


Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a
three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half.
Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.
But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's
daughter marry him.”
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady's
daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king's court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the
slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer. The
witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.
“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

..


A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a
fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain't so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke
in!”

..


No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more
organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he
had the right to make a phone call.
“Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer,” the mobster said calmly.

..


A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big
case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls,
and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the
company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried
in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN
DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.

..

A woman enters the police station. “I've been raped by a lawyer,” she says to the nearest
constable. The constable starts taking her statement and asks, “What is his name?”
“I don't know,” comes the reply.
“Where does he normally work?” asks the constable.
“I don't know,” comes the reply.
“Have you ever seen this man before today?” inquires the constable.
“No, I have not,” comes the reply.
“Madam,” says the baffled constable, “then how on earth do you know that he is a
lawyer?”
The woman, who fails to understand the constable's lack of intellectual powers, snaps
back in a flash, “He drove off in a luxury German sedan with a sunroof, he had a
briefcase with him and I had to do the majority of the work!”

..


A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he
stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.”
The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”

..


A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the
American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred
lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands
were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
“Isn't it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this
case?”
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. “Isn't it true
that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

..


Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers
Amanpreet a bet. “Let's say we bet $50.”
Amanpreet agrees and they're off.
They do a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his
ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he said to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point penalty,
Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I've found my
ball!!!” he announces.
Jon looks at him. “After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd
cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you're a liar, too!” Jon said. “I’ll have you know I've been STANDING on your
ball for the last five minutes!”

An old Indian Chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the Chief and asked him, “What will the weather be like tomorrow?” The Chief replied, “... Much rain. Very wet.” The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the Chief and asked, “What will the weather be like tomorrow?” “... Much snow. Very cold.” Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. “Chief,” they asked, “what will the weather do tomorrow?”The Chief replied, “... I dunno. Radio broken.”

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her
long awaited death.
“Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”

..


A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. “I win!” said Johnson,
at which point Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is
cheating!!!”
“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.
“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

..


The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph
of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now,
but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you
can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

..

A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of
dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says,
“Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?”
“I don’t know,” Ernie replies, “What have you done?”

..


Did you hear about the old farmer in Nebraska who shot his wife dead?
He had some lawyer. The lawyer got him off scot-free.
“Have a heart, Judge, “ the lawyer pleaded. “After all, my client’s a widower!”

..


My younger sister was having one of her first gynecological appointments and she had
some questions for the doctor.
“Doctor,” she asked, “I can't ask my parents. They would kill me, but my boyfriend
wants to have anal sex. I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything
about it. Can I get pregnant?”
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsically and replied, “Of course you can, my dear.
Where do you think lawyers come from?”

..


There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally came
down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both
were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so
he took each aside and asked, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chose
Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside. “I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr.
Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the
law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by
my clients. What in the world did you tell him?”
“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Paul replies.
“Your hands? What do you mean?”
“Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”

..


The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her
long awaited death.
“Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. “I win!” said Johnson,
at which point Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is
cheating!!!”
“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.
“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph
of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now,
but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you
can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

A very happy couple, on the eve of their wedding day, is killed by two stray bullets in a
robbery gone bad. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, “Please, sir, we
were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up here?”
“Well,” St. Peter replies, “It's never been done but I'll check into it.”
Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, “Okay, you can get
married now.”
A couple of months pass and the happy couple isn’t so happy anymore.
“Please, St. Peter,” the man complains, “my wife is driving me insane. If we weren't dead
already I'd have to kill her.”
“Okay, okay,” St. Peter replies, “I'll see what I can do.”
A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks down the bitterly feuding couple again to share
the good news.
“That's great sir,” the man exclaims, “but why did it take so long to get married and even
longer to divorce?”
“Well,” St. Peter replies, “it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die.
How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?”

..


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a
client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a
parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to
1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: “Upon review of
your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported
by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared
and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to
the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
“Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish
to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I
was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the
property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in
1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed
FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France,
which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession
of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to
India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the
Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it
is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that
He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope to hell you are satisfied.
Now, may we have our damn Title?”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
would you:
(1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?

..


Two lawyers were walking down the street when they saw a beautiful blonde. The first
one said, “How'd you like to fuck that?”
The second one said, “Out of what?”

..


Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent
clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

..


A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking
down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he
would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve
back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch
hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
“I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the
road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he
swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so
at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However,
even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD.”
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he
didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that
lawyer.”
“That's okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

..


Two little boys are talking to each other. One of them says, “What does your dad do for a
living?”
The other says, “He is a lawyer.”
The first one says, “Honest?”
“No, just a regular lawyer.”

..


Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My
husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.”
“What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex
practices?”
“No, he doesn't,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”

True exchanges between lawyers and witnesses:
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

..


NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy
part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever
returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for
going.
“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma
mater--Rice University.”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave
the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered
in the interviewer's ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a
million, and we'll send the engineer.”

..


A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On
their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they
ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother. “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

..


A couple of *actual* exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in court:
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

..


The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial
case.
The list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues,
“Wait, I've done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,
“Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to
the shoeshine boy, correct?”
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to
go to hell.”

Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in. While several of the
robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers,
up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on
lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?”
To which lawyer number one replies, “It's that $50 I owe you.”

..


Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says, “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see
where we are.”
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the
cloud cover. George says, “I still can't tell where we are, let’s ask that guy on the
ground.”
So, Harry yells down to the man, “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”
The man on the ground yells back, “You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.”
George turns to Harry and says, “That man must be a lawyer.”
Harry says, “How can you tell?”
“Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”
That's the end of the joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and
Harry; they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times:
“Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer.”

..


There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's
side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up
around it, etc. So, God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side
of the fence?”
Satan hollers back, “Why don't you mind your own business.”
So God says, “I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't.”
The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,” replied the witness.

..


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn.
The last time there, he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Again
looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
and then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would
have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night
talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a
lawyer.”

A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of the day. He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress dead.
The hostess runs over to the Panda and says, “What did you do that for?”
The Panda then says,”Look up ‘Panda” in the dictionary, Miss and you will see...”
And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant. The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up ‘Panda’ and reads...”Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves.”

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.
“Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the
father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a
decade.”
“Relax,” says Jack, “and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in
your martini.”

..

A man is passing a butcher's shop and sees a sign:
Special Offer - Brains
Cow brains $1/pound
Sheep brains $2/pound
Pig brains $2/pound
Doctor brains $50/pound
Engineer brains $50/pound
Programmer brains $50/pound
Lawyer brains $1000/pound
He goes into the shop and says to the butcher, “Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing your
sign. I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because cows
are so common.”
“That's right,” says the butcher.
“And,” continues the man, “I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than
the other brains because they are such high quality.”
“Not at all,” says the butcher “do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a
pound of brain?”

..


In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front
of him. The person turns and asks, “What the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” says the guy massaging your back, “you see, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help
massaging your back. I can't help practicing my art.”

“Are you crazy?” the other guy said, “Look, I'm a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front
of me?”