it's my life

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

I don't question your existence; GOD

Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water

Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Come the rapture can I have your car?

It's okay, I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Jesus. Don't leave earth without him.

Eve was framed.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

The Earth Is Full,Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me.

Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult.

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit

Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.

Boldly Going Nowhere

Heart Attacks. God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!

Little Johnny came home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father saw it and asked "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me and had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reachd over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Little Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. His father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie please?".
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

.NEVER TO RETURN.

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you"
To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".
he barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman, "what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Pouf! She's
gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Pouf! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Little Johnny's teacher has had it with his behavior, so she goes to the principal and pleads for something to be done. The principle asks for Little Johnny to be sent to his office. When Little Johnny arrives the principle tries to play with his mind so he asks him something that Little Johnny will think is rude.
"Tell me Johnny, do you know how to put a hole into another hole?" asks the principle.
"No sir I don't" replies Little Johnny.
"I'm giving you to the end of the month to come back with the answer to this question" says the principle.
The whole month passes and Little Johnny is quiet as a mouse, thinking about the question which he thinks must have a rude answer day and night. After a month Little Johnny starts with his bad behavior again and the teacher pleads the principle again, so Little Johnny is called in.
"Tell me Johnny, did you figure out how to put a hole into another hole?" asked the principle.
"No sir I didn't, but do you know how to put 8 holes in to another hole?" asked Little Johnny.
"No" was the answer from the now dizzy principle.
"Well" said Little Johnny, "Come home with me after school today and I'll show you. You see my dad has this flute with 8 holes in it and if I shove it up your ass, you'll see how it's done."

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

I don't question your existence; GOD

Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water

Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Come the rapture can I have your car?

It's okay, I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Jesus. Don't leave earth without him.

Eve was framed.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

The Earth Is Full,Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me.

Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult.

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit

Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.

Boldly Going Nowhere

Heart Attacks. God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

During a high school English class the students were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
The first one, Billy, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."
The second, Shelly, said "My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us."
Little Johnny, said "I don't know if I can do that."
The teacher said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best."
Little Johnny thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight."

Three ministers and a priest played golf together every week. They decided to visit each other’s churches. So the following day, the three ministers showed up at an early morning mass at their friend’s church. There were no empty pews, so they stood in the back. When the priest saw them, he whispered to the little acolyte, “Get three chairs for the Protestants.” The boy looked stunned and sat down. The priest pointed in the back to where the clergy were standing and repeated, “Get three chairs for the Protestants!” The confused boy still stared back blankly. Exasperated, the priest said emphatically, “PLEASE! Get three chairs for the Protestants!” The dismayed acolyte stood before the congregation and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. This is the first time it has ever been done in this church, but let’s all stand and give three cheers for the Protestants!”

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW



� In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY

PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



� In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT

AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



� Seen at a notice board:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,

THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTRE ON THE FIRST FLOOR



� On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)



� Outside a shop selling secondhand items:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns."
Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation: "Automobiles!"

Teacher is giving a lecture on sexual intercourse, after the lecture she instructs the children to go home and watch TV and find something that has to do with the subject.
The next day she asks the class to tell what they learned. "Raise your hand if you learned anything." she said
Little Sally raises her hand and the teacher says, "What did you learn Sally?"
Sally says, "I watched Ben Casey and they were having babies all over the place"
Then Jessica raises her hand and the teacher says, "What did you see?"
Jessica says, "I watched General Hospital and the nurses were screwing every body."
At that point the teacher said, "We can't have that kind of language in class."
After several more students had related their stories the teacher called on Little Johnny whose hand had been up forever, "OK Johnny what did you see on tv last night?"
Little Johnny said, "I watched a Gene Autry movie and Gene was riding across the prairie when ten thousand Indians ambushed him, but Gene was not afraid, he took out his six shooter and shot and killed every one of them god-damn Indians.
The teacher reprimanded Little Johnny for his language and then ask him what that had to do with sex.
Little Johnny replied "IT TAUGHT THEM GOD DAMN INDIANS NOT TO FUCK AROUND WITH GENE AUTRY."

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Little Johnny in the back bench replied: "A teacher."

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Theirancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so I wanted them to work on it there.
I heard Little Johnny say very softly "Jesus Christ!".
I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
He looked at me, his eyes got very big and he said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Little Johnny wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises, and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well... ah.... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy thought for a moment and said, "Nahhh, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replied, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day, and blows him back up!"

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80!?"

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Five-year-old Little Johnny answered the door when the census taker came by. He told the census taker that his daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little boy. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Little Johnny and his dad came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Tiddles had gone to heaven.
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Johnny as he fought back tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Johnny seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in his eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals.
You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”
“That’s baloney!” says one of the hunters. “Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn’t afraid to take off!”
“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”
The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!”
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, “I’d say... About a hundred yards further than last year.”

• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
• Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
• Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
• When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
• A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".
• God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
• Alright, this goes against every male sperm in my body but, by popular request, it’s got to be posted. Seems there’s a rumor going around that we’re sexist (maybe she meant to say sexy), but at any rate we’re going to be burying that rumor right now (not the one about being sexy). Eh, lost a bit of my manhood on this one.

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp."

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson -Little Johnny- one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Little Johnny said, "Grandma, it says on TV- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

Christmas was coming up, and Little Johnny's parents asked him what he wanted.
Little Johnny said "I want a fuckin' baseball." His parents are shocked at his language, and send him to his room.
Next day, his parents ask him what he wants, and he says "I want a fuckin' toy truck." This keeps up as Christmas nears.
On Christmas, his parents are fed up with him, andinstead of gifts, they put piles of shit under the tree, one for every time he cussed. Johnny gets up, finds the shit, and looks all over for anything else, but can't find anything.
His friend calls him up, and asks him what he got, and he says, "I haven't been able to find it yet, but I think I got a fuckin' puppy."

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors.
His mother suggested to his father that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" he said, surprised.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So don't fucking give him one," said Little Johnny's mother.

Little Johnny had been to a birthday party at a friends house.
Knowing his sweet tooth Little Johnny's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Little Johnny. "I only asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces of her own accord."

A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling “Big Jake’s comin’!” Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders.
The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing “Gimme a drink!” The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked “Sir, would you care for another?” To which the cowboy replied, “Nope. I gotta go. Big Jake’s comin’!”

A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer, he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in yelling “Big Jake’s comin’!” Within seconds the establishment had cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a-half foot, 500 pound cowboy came swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad shoulders.
The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the bar, bellowing “Gimme a drink!” The pilgrim complied, placing the almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked “Sir, would you care for another?” To which the cowboy replied, “Nope. I gotta go. Big Jake’s comin’!”

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you, but the girl said, "No."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened?"
She replies "The s.o.b. used coins."
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

The farmer was disturbed when he found out his son, Little Johnny, was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So Little Johnny went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found Little Johnny choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," Little Johnny replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

Little Johnny and his friend were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Friend: "Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, I have"
Friend: "Well, my father dug it."
Little Johnny: "That"s nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?"
Friend: "Yes, I have."
Little Johnny: "Well, my father killed it."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Little Johnny came running into the house crying his eyes out and cradling his hand.
"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" he wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom.
"I pricked my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away." said Little Johnny.
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured him a glass of cider. Little Johnny immediately dunked his hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined Little Johnny.
"What are you talking about?" asked his increasingly perplexed parent.
"Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"

Instructor: Students, please name some units of currency
Students: Dollor, Frank, Yen, ... etc
Little Johnny: Times
Instructor: Times? Which country does it belong?
Little Johnny: I don't know. My mom last night told me this cloth I am wearing cost me 17 times.

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes."
Then Little Johnny, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."
"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.
Little Johnny responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear..."

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades. Somebody is going to get a spanking."

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex.
"What are you doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother. "What's daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along."
A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing." "What's your boyfriend doing?" "He's my partner, now get out of here!"
Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why I'm dancing."said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."

Teacher: "Where were you born?"
Little Johnny: "New Jersey, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Little Johnny: "All of me"

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."
A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry,Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants!"

Little Johnny went to the druggist, and waited for the druggist's rather straight mother to serve him.
"Could I have six condoms please miss?", asked Little Johnny.
"Don't you miss me young man!" said the straight old cheese.
"O.K." replied little Johnny, "Make that seven!"

In history class one day, a pop quiz was given by the teacher. "I'll give you a famous saying and you tell me who said it, and it and what year".
First question, "Give me liberty or give me death" who said that.
A few kids put their hands up and she calls on Kiko, the Japanese exchange student. "That was Patrick Henry in 1775." she says.
"Very good," says the teacher. Next is "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"
This time Kiko is the only one to put up her hand.
"That was JFK from his 1962 inaugural speech." she says.
"Very good," says the teacher. "But I'm ashamed of the rest of you. Here's a foreign exchange student that knows more about our history then you do!"
A voice from the back of the room whispers "Fucking Japs!"
Immediately, the teacher asks "Who said that?"
Little Johnny jumps up and says "Douglas McArthur 1945!!!"

A man and his grandson, Little Johnny, are fishing by a peaceful lake, beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarettes?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" the grandfather asks.
"No" says Little Johnny.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he asks.
"No" says Little Johnny.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, " They look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" asks Johnny.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "these are my cookies!"

Little Johnny turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
Teacher: "Morning Johnny, and why weren't you at school yesterday?"
Little Johnny: "Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt."
Teacher: "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?"
Little Johnny: "Oh yes, Miss. They don't mess around at those crematoriums."

Mother and Little Johnny returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" Little Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal."

A little boy didn't go to school one day.
The next day when the teacher asked him why he replied "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull".
"How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure your father could have done that."
"No ma'am, he couldn't have. He takes care of the sheep..."

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas.
The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didnt have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!”

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll."
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hardworking girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."
"Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch." the daughter said.