it's my life

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were
a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and
asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”

..


A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's
better to have a wife or a girlfriend.
The accountant says, “A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired,
you just move on.”
The lawyer says, “One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of
yourself at important gatherings with influential people.”
The physicist says, “You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the
wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the
while you're at the lab doing research!”

..


It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the Yuppette accused of incredible
escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet
innocence, and told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer said, “Isn't it true
on the night of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a
certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle that passed through
Columbia at speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?”
The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her remarkable self-control and composure. Her
voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, “What was that date again?”
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